I drafted this literally 16 days after my son was born. Editing it now, it is such an accurate representation of that period of my life. I was in my first year as a teacher, and I was super-duper pregnant with crippling sciatic nerve pain. Turns out, pregnancy was really tough for me. Also, turns out that the first year of teaching is not exactly a breeze. Combine them and you have the following:
5:30a Alarm. Snooze.
5:45a Alarm. Snooze.
6:00a Alarm. Seriously evaluate my stank and debate myself about taking a shower or sleeping a little longer.
6:01a Get up to pee for the 7th time since going to bed.
6:03a Get back in bed, promise to take an evening shower (which literally didn’t happen once).
6:30a Get up. “Rush” to get ready, as much as one can rush with a watermelon strapped to their abdomen.
6:50a Beg God for the baby to come early because I am so done.
6:52a Rethink that plea and bargain with baby to stay inside because I am so not ready.
7:15a Pee. Husband drives me to work and ignores my complaining.
7:20a Arrive at work. Pee.
8:00a Lesson plan for the day with the following question: How can I teach this from my desk?
8:50a Pee before class starts.
9:00a Teach. Be in a relatively good mood, exchange jokes with students about the bowling ball I’m carrying.
10:00a Pee during recess. Try to decide if it’s endearing or annoying that the elective teacher giggles every time I waddle down the hall.
10:15a Ask the teacher next door to watch my class so I can pee. By the end of my pregnancy, I don’t even ask, I just wave and he knows.
12:00p Lunch. Field semi-sympathetic questions from my colleagues about how I’m feeling, try to deflect with humor. Eat as much as possible, because I know my mood is directly proportional to the food I have consumed.
12:30p Teach. Realize my patience is starting to wane. I didn’t eat enough.
1:00p Baby interrupts a lecture because he’s hiccuping and the students can see my belly moving. Now I have to deal with questions like, “How do hiccups work?” “Do babies have hair?” and “Why are you being so mean?”
1:20p Pee. Seriously consider just staying in the bathroom. Weren’t these kids so much more loveable this morning?
2:50p Try to decide if I can make it to the end of school without peeing. I can’t.
3:10p Lazily dismiss students for the day and hope nobody bothers me.
3:30p “Only a half hour left.”
3:35p Email the science teacher. I should walk to her room, but getting out of my chair seems like too much work…
3:38p … Until I have to pee.
3:58p Take elevator down, rehearsing my defensive speech if anyone attacks me for leaving two minutes early. No one ever does.
4:15p If I don’t have a midwife or chiropractic appointment, I get home, angrily strip off my clothes (with some help from Husband because my feet seem to be getting farther away) and plant myself in the bathtub.
4:30p Get out of the bathtub because I am uncomfortable. It takes careful balance and my Husband’s hand to safely get out.
4:35p Attempt to get dressed. Ask Husband for help. Try not to cry.
4:40p Try to get comfortable. Either in the rocking chair or in bed with every pillow in the house.
4:45p Give up trying to find comfort. I’m just going to have to pee anyway.
6:00p At some point, Husband asks me what I want to eat. I’m hungry, but nothing sounds good. He makes an executive decision on food, puts it in front of me and demands I eat it.
7:00 Netflix. Make Husband get me some water so I can choke down the horsepills also known as my prenatal vitamins. Bore Husband with dramatic opinions on whatever show I’m currently bingeing. (Lorelai is totally unsympathetic and creates her own problems, okay?!)
7:30p Mini breakdown. Sometimes about my nerve pain, sometimes about my fears/anxieties of motherhood, sometimes guilt for how I am failing my students, sometimes just sheer fatigue.
8:00p Husband succeeds in calming me down.
8:30p Fast asleep. Yeah, you read that time right. Yet somehow I was still exhausted the next day.
I don’t recommend this kind of regimen to anyone. And yet, I kind of appreciated it. I learned how to prioritize, I no longer take my body for granted, and now I have this little grump. Pic for attention 😉