Seeking laid-back mothers for friendship.
Responsibilities include: Griping and gushing about all things motherhood. Attending various parent-themed day activities and (very) occasional kids-free evenings. Answering texts at strange hours with assurances that what is happening is totally normal and happened to you too.
Minimal education needed. The ability to carry a conversation, write a grammatically correct text message, and curse like a sailor will suffice in lieu of a degree. Google Degrees NOT accepted.
Minimum 9 months pregnancy experience needed. Applicant must have at least one child currently under the age of two. Additional, older children accepted, as they demonstrate a level of experience this position may eventually require. But one child must be under the age two in order to assure mutual venting.
Hours are variable and dependent on how well the children and in laws are currently behaving.
Pay is substantial, but not monetary. It comes in the form of verbal assurance that yes, you are a good mom. It comes in the form of thoughtful cards and birthday gifts, unlimited texts and calls about all things motherhood, marriage, jobs, whathaveyou. It comes in the form of last-minute babysitting, chocolate at midnight, and someone to sit next to at library time.
- Be not judge-y (this is in all matters including but not limited to religion, what/how I feed my child, politics, the fact that I gossip like a teenager, where my child sleeps, feminism, the cleanliness of my home and anything else you see on this blog)
- Have excellent eye-rollings skills
- Live nearby (although excellent candidates will be considered regardless of distance)
Priority to applicants who:
- Like nerdy crap like superhero movies, Shakespeare, yoga, Adult Swim cartoons
- Have visible tattoos (and recommendations on where I can get more)
- Have helping professions
- Also keep a fairly messy home
- Have pets
- Speak via meme in text messages
Sanctimommies need not apply.